Out Of Kilter

Ok, so we got us some e-mails. Most of them are from our adoring fans and the lawyers of our “no-so adoring” fans. Some ask questions though. Deep, thoughtful questions. So, as I continue to enjoy an airtight alibi in the face of various criminal charges, I must once again do my duty and wade into the muck that is Reader Mail.

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This site gets a lot of mail from the six people who read us. So now it’s time to answer some of your least-worthless questions, which only serve to keep me from watching RoboCop with the sound off and listening to Frank Sinatra’s “Chicago” on loop. Backwards.

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Hello readers. Some people have been writing in asking questions about the guy who’s only biographical description is “don’t ask him any questions.” I figure you won’t stop asking, so here’s some info to keep you busy enough to let me get back to my Papa John’s BBQ Chicken & Bacon pizza.

I speak better Russian than Borat.

I drink a lot. A whole lot. But it’s only Smirnoff vodka. Why? because Absolut is for gays, and Grey Goose is for girls.

Yes, I am in the country illegally. (sorry, no link for this; I gotta keep the feds guessing.)

No, I am not a (convicted) sex offender, or mentally retarded.

No, I am not surprised a crafty Asian won “Survivor.”

Trick Daddy Doubloons has put me in charge of opening, reading, and responding to reader mail in return for an alibi which will stand up in court. It’s a good trade; he gets mail, I get arrested, we’re both happy.

In an effort to make my life the least-boring as possible, send in some of your personal problems and I’ll deal with them. Why? Because the only way to get over your fear of sociovenegracide is to air it out on the internets.